Not Special, Not Unloved, and Not the Point


On Tuesday, I celebrated my twenty-first birthday. But for the latter part of the day, I’d more likely say that I pushed through it rather than celebrated it.

Granted, it was a really great day. I gave a presentation in one of my classes at Texas State University in San Marcos, was picked up from school by my parents to grab lunch, turned in a research paper, and was let out of my second class after only fifteen minutes. Afterward, I went home knowing that I had absolutely no homework to do because I had finished it all beforehand in order to relax on my birthday. So I watched some gaming videos on YouTube, ate tasty turkey dumplings made by my mom, opened presents, ate some delicious applesauce cake (as made by my eldest brother*), and watched more YouTube videos. But at some point during those evening activities, I realized I was feeling pretty low.

Why was I even sad? It was my birthday, for crying out loud! I had a loving and kind family with whom to celebrate and had experienced a good day at school. Yet, still, there was something that pulled me down, and it was this: a feeling of failure.

“I’m twenty-one,” I thought. “At least a quarter of my life is over. What have I done with it? What haven’t I done? What in the world am I doing here?” And then I started to compare myself to everyone from the past who had done great things when they were younger than me. At the age of twenty, Mary Shelley wrote Frankenstein… Jane Austen wrote Pride and Prejudice… Elizabeth Barrett Browning published her first collection of poetry… Plato became a disciple of Socrates… Sir Isaac Newton started developing CALCULUS…

So yeah. I guess I had my first existential crisis.

I moped around until my dad asked if I wanted to watch a movie or a television show with him, and I mumbled something that implied that I wasn’t really sure. Knowing me better than I know myself, Dad asked what was wrong, and I said, “I’d feel so guilty if I watched a movie…” and divulged my guilt that I wasn’t nearly as accomplished as all the people I mentioned a moment ago. “I’m already twenty-one,” I said, “and there are tons of people who had already converted masses to Christianity, written books, and figured out all these huge things by the time they were my age.” It wasn’t even primarily that which bothered me. It was also that I recognized that I don’t know what I’m good at yet. Like Hiccup from the animated film How to Train Your Dragon, I don’t really know who or what I am at this point in my life. I haven’t discovered my true potential and abilities yet, and on Tuesday night, that was making me really sad.

When I told this to my dad, he said, “Kelly, you can’t do that to yourself. You aren’t those people, and that was a different time.” My mom, who was sitting nearby, said, “And you just turned in a research paper, and you’re going to college on a full scholarship!” I knew they were right. I was still a little disappointed with myself and what I hadn’t done in life, but I decided to watch a few episodes of Bones with my dad anyway and, later, went to bed.

When I woke up the next morning, I realized that the feeling of failure had stayed with me through the night, so I decided to stay in bed for a while and try to think things through. I started praying. “I just don’t feel like I’m doing much or have much worth. I’m just one more human being on this planet—one more person out of billions that will soon perish and fade from memory. I’m just like everyone else, and I’m going to die just like everyone who already has and soon will. I’m not that special, am I?…”

I chewed on that for a while. It was kind of a sad thing to think about. I mean, we’d all like to think we’re special—that we are distinguished or exceptional or extraordinary—but while we each have unique personalities, fingerprints, eyes, voices, and creative abilities, every human is essentially similar in their physical and mental and emotional capabilities. And, not to be too morbid, but each of us has an expiration date. In sum, we are not God, and we are not special.

But we are not unloved. I came to this conclusion almost immediately after the “not that special” train of thought had passed through my mind, and I don’t know if it was something from the Spirit, but, gee, was it helpful. “No,” I thought, “you’re not special. But God is. He loves and created you, and you have worth to Him. He will not abandon you or let you burn when you pass through the fire or allow you to drown when you pass through the waters. Your God is special, and He especially likes you.”

And then some verses that I’ve used for teaching at a youth girls’ church event came to mind:

1 But now, this is what the Lord says—
he who created you, Jacob,
he who formed you, Israel:
“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.

2 When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.

3 For I am the Lord your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
I give Egypt for your ransom,
Cush and Seba in your stead.

4 Since you are precious and honored in my sight,
and because I love you,
I will give people in exchange for you,
nations in exchange for your life…

10 “You are my witnesses,” declares the Lord,
“and my servant whom I have chosen,
so that you may know and believe me
and understand that I am he.
Before me no god was formed,
nor will there be one after me.

11 I, even I, am the Lord,
and apart from me there is no savior.

12 I have revealed and saved and proclaimed—
I, and not some foreign god among you.
You are my witnesses,” declares the Lord, “that I am God.”

Isaiah 43:1-4, 10-12

No, I’m not that special. And I hate to break it to you, but you’re not, either. But our God is special. He alone is sovereign and infallible and pure and immutable. He is loving and forgiving, and He is capable of bringing you and I and all others through wind, fire, water, and storms. He wants to make us his privileged kids and to grow and discipline us so that we will look and live more like our Daddy—like our perfect and special and totally unique Abba Father. We are loved by God, and that means something. It means it’s not about us; it’s about Jesus.

I’m still disappointed that I haven’t done more with my life and that I’m not more Christ-like or Christ-loving at this point. I wish that I could identify my abilities and purpose, and I would love to know what I’m supposed to do with my life. And, quite selfishly, I wish I didn’t have to be forgotten like so many other human beings have been already. But I’ve got to be okay with that. I have to start praying that I would understand that I’m not the point and that I would be both content with and passionate about God being the only One worth glorifying, worshipping, and remembering.

With that being said, I want this blog to be more focused on Jesus than on what we need to do to be more like Him. Being like Christ and loving Him is important, but will that ever happen if we fail to focus on He who “fill[s] us with joy in [His] presence” (Psalm 16:11)?

As I write this, I am praying that you, brother or sister, will join David in saying what he did in Psalm 16: “Jesus, apart from you I have no good thing. You alone are my portion and my cup; you make my lot secure. You will not abandon me to the realm of the dead, nor will you let your faithful one see decay. Keep me safe, my God, for in you I take refuge.”

I am also praying that if you, like me, feel that you have wasted portions of your life thus far, you will recognize that you still have today and hopefully many more days ahead of you to focus on Christ and to glorify Him. Maybe you and I could have done more at this point, but that is over. The past is gone. What matters now is that we “[f]orget the former things [and] do not dwell on the past. See, [God is] doing a new thing!” (Isaiah 43:18-19a). He is sanctifying us to be like Him, and He has blessed us with a little more time to worship Him.

So praise be to God! He is special and worth pursuing. I am His kid and His witness, and I will always be, even on the days when I am uncertain of my purpose. I am Christ’s, and because of His grace, I am growing and becoming more inclined to pursue His goodness. Yes, praise be to God for that and more.




*I haven’t mentioned this in a while, but I should note that I am the oldest of nine children. There’s me (21), my sister Rachel (18), six boys (17, 15, 13, 11, 9, and 7), and my younger sister (5). So now you know!




(Cover image found at,d.aWw&psig=AFQjCNGM70SriW5vIDQIJ3mRks-nvZQVcQ&ust=1417984140717366)

When You’re Fighting to Walk

Lee and Clementine from the video game "The Walking Dead" (Season One)

Lee and Clementine from the video game “The Walking Dead” (Season One)

A/N: This post contains major spoilers on season one of the video game “The Walking Dead”.  Also, it contains some of my personal testimony, so…bear with me.  My hope is that you’ll get something good out of it.  :)


Trials stink.  They really, really do, but you know, I think they’re worth it.  I’d like to tell you why, and I want to shed some light on what to do when you’re fighting to walk through them.

At the end of 2013 and the start of this year, I struggled with depression for about six months.  It wasn’t clinical and I was never suicidal, but it was really hard.  I would lay on my bed for hours with dark thoughts running through my mind, having no desire to stand up.  I had little interest in doing my homework, going to church, being around people…and this sounds weird, but I could feel something like a black hole in my chest.  It sucked away at everything and, although I never considered ending my life, I just didn’t feel like living.  I didn’t see any reason for it.  I was just kind of there, desperate to get out of the cycle and refusing to seek help from Christ.

I now consider those months to have been a trial, one that God put me through for my ultimate good (Rom. 8:28), but I was very different then.  I hated God.  I hated Him for what I thought was His abandonment.  I couldn’t feel Him anymore and I was so angry for that, so I refused to have any contact with Him.  I hoped instead that someone other than God would see the phony smile that I wore in public for what it was, but I don’t think anyone but Him ever did.  Even still, I wanted nothing to do with Christ.

And, yet, I wanted all of Him.  Having been a Christian for almost ten years, I recognized the constant conviction that I felt to resume that contact with God and my need for that.  I knew that I needed to get help from a believer I trusted because I saw that I would never get any better on my own.  So, I did.  I started to get counseling from a minister in my church who has a degree in Christian counseling and, only by the utter grace of Christ, I emerged from that period of depression after many weeks—not unscathed, but definitely refined.

That, I think, is the worth in trials.  We are refined as we are tested “in the furnace of affliction” (Is. 48:10) and we can share about God’s grace in our life to others, as I aim to do now, so that Christ receives all the “praise, glory and honor” (1 Pet. 1:6-7).

Anyway, enough about me!  I think it’s time that I get to the point that I want to make in this post.  What are we supposed to do in the midst of trials?  How did I emerge from that dark, binding depression that held me for months?  How do we force ourselves to walk through depression, death, loss, humiliation, and everything else that is so, so hard?

Allow me to make one of my traditional references to something nerdy (and I’ll try to be more concise than I was in my last post).  In the vast world of entertainment, there are, as far as I know, three primary forms of the popular “The Walking Dead”—the television show, the video game, and the comic books.  I’d like to briefly discuss the video game, which, in its first season, tells the story of Lee, Clementine, and the group that fought to survive with them in the wake of a zombie apocalypse.

Clementine (left) and Lee (right) have a conversation

Here’s some background information:

  • Lee is a thirty-seven-year-old man who, at the start of the game, gets into a car accident in a forest.
  • Clementine (or Clem for short) is an eight-year-old girl who lives near that forest and whose vacationing parents have left her at home with a babysitter.
  • Though being in poor shape after the accident, Lee manages to escape from some zombies by heading to Clem’s house, where he finds Clem and realizes that her babysitter had recently “turned” (into a zombie).
  • Lee and Clem soon leave her house to attempt to find her parents in a far away town—Savannah, Georgia.  Along the way, they meet several people who travel with them on their way to Savannah.

Okay, that should suffice.  Just don’t ask me how the apocalypse started.  That was never really explained, but I’m okay with that because the game is otherwise fantastic.  It fits very well with our topic, too, because it’s all about a shared trial (a.k.a. trying not to get eaten by zombies) and the many ways the survivors deal with that as they fight to survive together.  The game can be pretty dark at times, as some turn to murder, cannibalism, and mental instability, but it is also a story of hope, and a great example of the way that we as Christians can handle trials.

I’ll share two quick ways that the survivors dealt with trials in “The Walking Dead” game.  In one instance, a married couple named Kenny and Katjaa discovered that their young son had been bitten by a zombie and would “turn” in the next few hours.  I truly can’t imagine how awful it would be to know that your only child would be gone so soon.  So, how did they cope?  Sadly, Katjaa chose to commit suicide.

Katjaa and her son, "Duck"

Katjaa and her recently bitten son, “Duck”

Suicide has been a big topic lately, what with the death of Robin Williams, and it is something that has affected my family personally, since my uncle passed away at his own hands last winter.  It’s a horrible thing, and I may write about it another day, but I’ll just say this for now—there is another option.  We can fight to walk by leaning on Christ.

Lee and Clem are a wonderful example of this.  Lee, a man who has never been a father, chose to help Clem find her parents because he recognized that she was alone and needed help.  And Clem, a girl who was at first suspicious of Lee, grew to trust, respect, and rely on him as they traveled together.  Lee taught Clem how to keep herself alive in a dangerous world—how to shoot, hide, run, and protect herself.  He showed her how to make every effort to keep a group together and how to sacrifice for those you care for.  At one point, he selflessly sought to rescue her when she had been kidnapped in Savannah, even after he had been bitten and would soon “turn”.  Clem would never have survived without Lee, the man who grew to love her as a daughter.

Lee and Clementine hug

Lee and Clementine share a hug

Sound familiar?  Does this remind you of the way God rescued, loves, and teaches us?  We need God just as Clem needed Lee, and we, like her, have to lean on the support and wisdom of one who is vastly more experienced than us.  This is how we can handle the trials in our life.  We lean on Jesus, we learn from His example, and we rely on His infinite strength because sometimes, that’s all we can do.

Check out these passages of Scripture.

[Jesus said,] ‘Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.’

Matt. 11: 28-30

I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty.  I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.  I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

Phil. 4:12-13

I said it before, and I’ll say it again.  It was only by God’s grace that I am no longer struggling with depression.  He changed my heart from one of anger and bitterness to one that yearned for Him, not me.  It was by His works that I finally came back into His yoke and into His arms, not by mine.  He does all the hard work.   I’m just here, living for Him and hoping to encourage you.

When you are fighting to walk through trials, climb into the yoke.  Find the rest you need in Christ.  Climb in, and you will find the strength to keep walking.

Tasked to Testify

Taiwanese Elantris cover

My sister, Rachel, and I are about as different as two people can be.  Rachel is very extroverted, recharged by her time spent with others and adept at handling small talk with exuberance and poise.  I, however, am immensely introverted, thrilled by the thought of a quiet, uninterrupted afternoon to write or read and naturally introspective.  Sometimes I wish things were the other way around, but in general, I’m thankful that Christ designed us in the way that he did.

Why am I thankful?  Well, although Rachel is two years younger than I am, I have looked up to her and learned from her example for several years.  It’s not that I don’t like who I am or am seeking to become exactly like her.  Rather, because Rachel and I are so different, we’re each able to examine and implement the godly qualities that the other exhibits.  And, usually, the qualities that we try to implement are not those that we naturally possess.  So, it’s a good thing we’re so different because, otherwise, we wouldn’t have nearly as many chances to grow.

For example, Rachel has told me that she admires the fact that I can speak truth, sharing my genuine opinion when I think it’s necessary.  She has admitted that she speaks too quickly, without thinking it through, and occasionally talks in a way that doesn’t describe her true feelings so she can avoid hurting others’ feelings.  I don’t think that’s always a bad thing, but it has gotten her into trouble a few times.  In the same way, though, I know I’ve offended some people when I’ve spoken too honestly.

I, on the other hand, admire Rachel’s tendency to share what God has been teaching her with passion.  Many times, she will send me a text message with a Bible verse and her thoughts on it, or will simply walk up to me and ask if we can discuss what she is learning from God through Scripture, everyday life, and other Christians.  Rachel even makes the effort to ask others about their walk with God—and she truly wants to know.  Seeing as she and I share a room, there are times when I wish she would wait to talk to me until the morning (which I’ve laughingly told her before), but our conversations often ignite a fire within me, leading me to greater affection for Christ, stronger respect for my sister, and a desire to know God in a deeper, more powerful way.

This quality that Rachel has of declaring God’s work in her life to other Christians is not one that comes naturally to me.  I usually journal about what I’m learning and keep it to myself, but now, after examining Rachel and her lifestyle, I’m learning that telling others about the evidence of God’s deeds and grace in my life is important—maybe even vital—for my growth, as well as for other believers.

Let’s see what the Bible has to say about this, starting with a passage from the book of Psalms.

But as for me, it is good to be near God.  I have made the Sovereign Lord my refuge; I will tell of all your deeds.

Psalm 73:28

And consider these verses from Acts, spoken by Paul when he discussed his future in Jerusalem.

[In] every city the Holy Spirit warns me that prison and hardships are facing me.  However, I consider my life worth nothing to me; my only aim is to finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me—the task of testifying to the good news of God’s grace.

Acts 20:23-24

Now, some might feel that these verses apply more to the subject of evangelism, specifically for the sake of others’ salvation in Christ.  In response to that, I should note that I’m primarily writing about Christian-to-Christian discussion in this post, but this is not to degrade the need for evangelism, for I know that every believer is called to spread the aroma of Christ, as I’ve written before.  Additionally, I would point to this passage from 1 Chronicles:

Sing to the Lord, all the earth; proclaim his salvation day after day.  Declare his glory among the nations, his marvelous deeds among all peoples.

1 Chronicles 16:23-24

By reading these verses, I do not believe that testifying to God’s deeds should stop with unbelievers.  It should also extend to Christians, for we, too, are living “among the nations” and are included in “all peoples” just as unbelievers are.  Plus, even we need a reminder of God’s goodness and perfection every once in a while, and, in my experience, those reminders often come from other Christians—from we who have experienced God’s grace most radically.  This can be seen in the Bible, as well, such as when Nathan came to David in 1 Samuel 12, reminding him of both God’s hatred for sin and his complete forgiveness.  And just take a look at Paul’s letters!  That guy was so wise, and he packed his many letters to churches with all kinds of reminders about Christ and his Body.  All in all, then, I would definitely say that testifying to God’s work is something that we as Christians should do for one another.

So how does sharing about God’s work in our lives (and, equally important, asking others to share) help us to grow?  To illustrate, allow me to introduce you to Prince Raoden.


Raoden is a lead character in the book Elantris who is struck by the Shaod, or the Transformation.  The Shaod once transformed people into godlike figures called Elantrians, who possessed magical abilities and were sent to the elaborately beautiful city of Elantris to live in luxury.  Now, for reasons unknown, the Shaod transforms its victims into undead creatures who are shunned and balding, whose skin is patched and hideous, and who are declared dead by those who knew them.  Still, they are sent to Elantris, which is where Raoden discovers a city that is coated in sludge and filled with many hurting and hopeless citizens who either wander the streets or join one of several factions.  He also learns that he has no heartbeat, no body heat, and has lost the ability to heal, living in eternal pain from even such tiny wounds as a scratch until it proves too great, leading many Elantrians to insanity.  So, yeah.  Things are looking pretty bad for the former prince.

But Raoden is an optimistic man, one with the natural ability to lead and inspire those around him, and he slowly starts to reshape the hopelessness found in the city, sharing his vision of a more cheerful and unified Elantris.  Even Galladon—his closest, most pessimistic, and usually grumpy Elantrian friend—begins to look on the bright side of things as Raoden speaks of hope and rebuilds the community both mentally and physically by creating a new, cleaner part of town: New Elantris.  Sadly, Raoden and his companions are often faced with strife, such as when Raoden nearly gets his friends killed and grows discouraged after unfruitful negotiation efforts with a faction leader.  But check out this development in Galladon here, found about halfway through the book:

“I’ve failed [our friends],” he said quietly.

Galladon shook his head.  “We can’t always get what we want on the first try.  Kolo [agreed]?  You’ll find a way—I would never have thought you’d get this far.”*

And here, soon after, when Raoden and Galladon walk through the now uninhabited streets of New Elantris after events take a turn for the worse:

“Sad.  Kolo?”  Galladon regarded the now clean, but empty, houses.

“Yes,” Raoden said.  “It had potential, if only for a week.”

“We’ll get there again, sule [friend],” Galladon said.*

Did you catch that?  In both cases, Galladon is unconsciously optimistic because of the influence Raoden has had on him.  And I think this is exactly what sharing about God’s work in our lives will do for us and the people with whom we share.  You see, just as with Raoden and his consistent reminders of hope, our declarations of the evidence of Christ’s grace may very well bring others to notice the same in their own lives, as Galladon noticed the hope in his.  Pointing out the hope and grace in life leads others to notice it where they never had before.

Testifying to God’s work in our lives does much more than that, however.  These are a few more of the changes that I have noticed in my heart when I testify and ask others.

  • It points my heart to Christ, giving me a sense of awe.  It leads me to think, “Wow, God does so much for his children”, and it reminds me that he is the one who does everything—growth, blessings, trials, and whatever else is best for us (Romans 5:8).  He’s the one who is totally in charge, and I am utterly dependent upon him.
  • It makes me more thankful.  God is really gracious to work in our waning hearts and mold us to be more like him.  We definitely don’t deserve that (seeing as we can be very stubborn), so it’s seriously awesome that he takes the time to teach us.
  • It gives me a sense of unity with fellow Christians, reminding me that we are all in this together.  It leads me that to realize that we need to lovingly keep each other accountable in order to point each other to Christ and better avoid Satan’s pitfalls, because it can be pretty hard to do that on our own.
  • It reminds me of God’s glory and the lack of my own.  Just as it teaches me that God is totally in charge, it shows me that he’s the only one who deserves to be—and that that’s a good thing.
  • It wells up in me a desire for Jesus.  All of this makes me to want to know more about Christ and to know him more deeply (which I think is very important indeed).

I could probably have listed many more changes, but I’ll stop here so I can add one last thing.  I’m not saying that you have to testify about God’s work in your life verbally.  There are many other ways for you to share, such as through texting (as Rachel has done many times), social media, or even blogging, obviously!  However, I do think there is something superbly rich in sharing face-to-face with another Christian.  Ever since I’ve started trying to do so more often—even though it’s been uncomfortable for me at times—I’ve definitely noticed growth in my life.

Either way, no matter how and when you choose to testify about God’s work in your life, or whether or not you try to ask others, I want to leave you with this:

But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.

1 Peter 2:9

I love this verse.  It brings so much to mind, like the fact that you and I, brother, are radically blessed—that you and I, sister, have so much for which we can praise God.  We have been brought from the worst of scenarios into the wonderful light of Christ, and that’s reason enough to shout out some declarations, for both our sake and others’.

So let’s go!  Let’s go and declare the praises of God, remembering who we are—chosen, special, royal—and what we are called to do.  And above all else, may our words bring glory to he who saved us, to the God who is so good to bring us into his work—to the gracious King who has tasked us to testify.



*Sanderson, Brandon. Elantris. New York: Tor, 2006. 308-40. Print.

Note: Cover image found at, and Raoden image found at as drawn by CrisMarVaz (

Chasing Fantasies

snape and lily 2

Ever heard of PewDiePie?  AmazingPhil?  Tobuscus?  I could tell you all about them.  Way too much.

In case you aren’t aware, PewDiePie, AmazingPhil, and Tobuscus are popular YouTubers, each of whom post weekly (if not daily) videos about video games, comedy, and everyday life.  And they have become all-too-familiar faces to me this semester.

I’ll be honest—this semester was one of my hardest.  I had very little motivation to do well in my college classes, and I spent more time than ever immersed in entertainment and social media.  In the midst of tests and homework that I kept pushing off, I started to watch several new television shows and to spend many, many hours watching YouTube videos, when I had much more important things to be doing with my time.  This was not a good combination with the fact that I was taking a couple of classes that were pretty challenging for me.

Now, don’t get me wrong.  I love YouTube.  I like social media.  I enjoy entertainment.  (I mean, for real, I’m a college-age geek).  But there is definitely a potential for spiritual warfare in the wake of all of that, and I really faced it last semester.  I fell time and time again to the temptation of chasing fantasies.

Check out this bit of Scripture.

Those who work their land will have abundant food, but those who chase fantasies have no sense.

Proverbs 12:11

I read this Bible verse a few weeks before I finished the semester, and I thought to myself, “What in the world have I been doing?”  All those hours watching television, playing video games, watching YouTube videos…I had been chasing fantasies the whole time, when I should have been working the land.

What exactly is the difference between working the land and chasing fantasies?  To me, to chase a fantasy is to chase something that isn’t real, or that has very little quality or substance.  Basically, it’s a big waste of time, and working the land is exactly the opposite.  To work the land is to sow what is needed so that growth occurs—in this case, spiritual growth—and to make the effort to provide the revitalizing nutrition that your body needs.  Also, perhaps more importantly, it is to trust that the cultivator of the soil will allow the food to come forth in abundance, according to the work that you put into it.

It might be helpful to examine Severus Snape’s undying love for Lily Potter.

snape and lily

I love Snape as a character. Unfortunately, although his and Lily’s story is tragic, he is one of the prime examples of chasing after a fantasy.  (Harry Potter fans, I would understand if you hate me for what I’m about to say, but hear me out, and believe me when I say that I am one of you!)

To help prove my point, let me share with you a portion of the seventh book in the Harry Potter series, when Harry was sifting through a few of Snape’s memories in the Pensieve at Hogwarts.

And next, Snape was kneeling in Sirius’s old bedroom. Tears were dripping from the end of his hooked nose as he read the old letter from Lily. The second page carried only a few words:

‘…could ever have been friends with Gellert Grindelwald. I think her mind’s going, personally!

‘Lots of love, Lily’

Snape took the page bearing Lily’s signature, and her love, and tucked it inside his robes. Then he ripped in two the photograph he was also holding, so that he kept the part from which Lily laughed, throwing the portion showing James and Harry back onto the floor, under the chest of drawers…

(Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, chapter 33)*

Now read that last part one more time.

Snape took the page bearing Lily’s signature, and her love, and tucked it inside his robes. Then he ripped in two the photograph he was also holding, so that he kept the part from which Lily laughed…

By reading this section of the book, it should be clear that there was more to Snape’s feelings for Lily than a simple crush.  Snape was fanatical, even to the point that, as a grown man, he would tuck Lily’s signature into his robes and rip her family’s photo apart in order to keep part of her for himself.
This was an incredibly unhealthy attraction, and the effects were clearly evident throughout the book series.  Snape may have been one of the good guys, and he may have done some noble things in his lifetime, but that doesn’t take away from the fact that he constantly exhibited both verbal and physical cruelty toward the students at Hogwarts because of his feelings.  Snape’s love for Lily and his fantasy of being in a romantic relationship with her drove him to do some very unkind things.

This is just one example of what it looks like to chase after a fantasy, and this has been my problem for the past five months.  This is why I haven’t posted on this blog all semester, why I have watched too many YouTube videos, and why little growth has occurred in my spiritual walk for a while now.  This is all to say that I should have been working the land and investing in my spiritual growth because the Bible tells me to.

For instance, take a look at this verse.

What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ…

Philippians 3:8

The most valuable, worthwhile thing I can do is to know Christ.  Everything else—every time I invest in things like entertainment when I know I should be doing something else that will help me to love God more—is simply garbage, because, although it can be fun, it’s not going to do me much good in the long run and could lead to many negative side effects.  It certainly lead to junk in my life this last semester, like procrastination, anger, and impatience. This is why I need to strive to be like the believer exemplified in the following verse.

But thanks be to God, who always leads us as captives in Christ’s triumphal procession and uses us to spread the aroma of the knowledge of him everywhere.

2 Corinthians 2:14

I want to be more like this.  I want to be led by Christ, captivated by him and living triumphantly.  I want to learn how to work the land, rather than chasing fantasies, so I can spread the appeal of his aroma wherever I go, because that’s what I need to do (as shown in Matthew 28:19-20 and Acts 1:8).  And how can I spread that aroma when I’m so focused on the things that don’t really matter?  I have to focus “on things above, not on earthly things” (Colossians 3:2) so I can truly grow and spread his fragrance.

With that being said, I need to make it more of a priority to work my land.  It’s going to be hard, especially because it’s summer break for me now, but I want to spend more time in the Word and in prayer, and less time in entertainment.  I want to cut back on the stuff that doesn’t really matter.  After all, refusing to run after pointless dreams any longer may lead to a few trials, but it will most definitely lead to growth.  (And maybe it’ll lead to fewer guilt-ridden blog posts).

So here’s to working the land.  Here’s to knowing Christ.  And here’s to saying “goodbye” to the fantasies that can only hold us back.




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